wonderful news!

IT'S A BRAND NEW YEAR. i have this new habit of announcing the words 'wonderful news' to whoever (whomever? tangent - i just looked up who versus whom on google and came up with 24,800,000 results, and yet still can't figure out how to decide when to use whom in a sentence) i'm around when something good happens. now how did this start, you ask? when i got my acceptance letter to lmu, the first words of the letter were 'wonderful news', and paige and i seemed to think this was quite amusing for some reason. i didn't actually start using the phrase till i came home for tgiving break to find my acceptance letter up on my bulletin board, and i was reminded of the wonderful news. so the other day, when my mom asked if we had rice and i found some in the cupboard and i yelled (yes, you guessed it) WONDERFUL NEWS!, it occured to me how much my life has changed this semester. i came home for christmas break only to have every person i encountered in la cañada ask me when i was going back to school, and every time, to confuse him/her/them with my answer 'not till next fall'. believe it or not, the reason why i'm taking this 2nd semester off of school is not a deep, dark secret. you are welcome to ask why and i will tell you nothing but the truth, which is this:

i am not ready for my future.

what i didn't realize when i got my acceptance letter is that starting college means the beginning of 'my future'. when i say my future, i don't want anyone to take it literally (or litrally, as the british would say). i don't mean the kind of future that comes at you whether you like it or not, because that started when i was born. i mean the kind of future that i can have control over. and i'm not willing to (for lack of a better word) half-ass it. college is the start of the rest of my life, and i am not ready for that yet. maybe i'm behind the curve, but i'd rather accept that and take a break to catch up than spend all my energy trying to catch up for the rest of my life. who knows? it may have taken that long if i hadn't done this for myself.

as for this blog, i think we all know that my second to last post was an example of me reaching an all time blogging low. i posted a picture of cats and...that's it. i considered deleting it, but that just wouldn't be right. when  i started this blog, i never really thought about my audience.
it wasn't until i heard, last year, that someone had brought my blog up to a teacher in a class i'd never been in that i realized that anyone in the world can read this. i don't necessarily have a problem with that, it's just a little restricting. although i do this completely for myself, there is no privacy here. whatever i write is available for anyone to see, and i have to be wary of that when choosing how much to reveal about myself. the biggest struggle this causes me is communicating my thoughts without sounding cliché. it's pretty clear to me that creativity makes a good blog, whether it be a gimmick, or the ability to communicate your thoughts in a unique way (the only exception is if you have a really cute baby and just post pictures of him/her - the only thing really required is a camera and some free time). i've never considered myself particularly funny, so writing stories about embarrassing moments is not my thing. and i don't have a baby either. i'm not one of those people who knows exactly what she wants and proudly has it define her. yes, i get a lot out of reading, but i'm not the girl who always has a book in her hand. yes, i love to sing, but i've never sang alone on a stage. and yes, i care about the environment, but i haven't started any going green campaigns. the point is, i'm not ahead of the game like a lot of other 18 year olds are. i have uncountable interests and plenty of ideas but i just haven't found a way to use them yet. and this brings me right back to what i'm trying to explain: i'm just not ready for my future. because i have no idea what i want it to be yet! maybe i'll end up as an english teacher in africa, or a songwriter right here in la. maybe i'll become a lawyer in seattle. or maybe i'll end up living on a boat, writing about my experiences as a hermit (doubtful, but possible). i'm not saying i expect to go back to school in september knowing exactly what i want to do with my life, but i at least want to go back with the mental ability to get to the next step. my goal is to find the motivation within myself to put everything i have into what i will choose to do when i go back to school. so there you go.

p.s. say banana in a british accent.

the unpublished.

in the process of putting off my philosophy paper, i just stumbled across my list of posts.

and as i scanned the now FIFTY-ONE post long list (oh yes - official blogger status maybe?),

i noticed how many drafts were a part of it.

and after contemplating why they never got published, i realized that no true blogger leaves posts unpublished.

so, i've decided to publish all my hidden thought of the past.

here are follow the sun's deleted scenes:

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{s. - originally written june 24th, 2010}

thirteen simple s's that are brightening my life this summer...

sandals

spk

sudoku

sparkles

sunbathing

sunscreen (or as my father would call it, slime)

sleep schedules

scattergories

snow cones

sonic

the shins

smiles

simplicity

...did you ever realize how many good things start with an s?

but, one more thing that doesn't start with an s...FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE.

it's harder than you think.


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{no title - originally written july 4th, 2010}

life happens whether you like it or not. i didn't like it for a while. i wasn't ready for life to happen. but it happened anyway, because that's one thing that life guarantees you - it never fails to keep moving. about 2 and a half years ago now, my grandma died. i sat in my house for 2 weeks of spring break while my mom was in and out of the hospital visiting her mom. i was so sad. it wasn't what you would call a tragedy, because my grandma had come of age, and she died pretty peacefully from what i understand. but something happened in those 2 weeks that i've never been able to understand. i must have forgotten whatever happened to me because life wouldn't stop moving for me. i didn't have enough time to pay attention. somehow, i ended up graduating from a different school with a new personality, heading off to lmu. i've watched myself and others suffer more in these past 2 years than i would've ever imagined possible. and just now, sitting in room watching the oc, something made me realize that i've only made a handful of good decisions in the past 2 years. i forgot how to do things that i don't want to do. i've put myself through so much pain for so long, because i forgot how to place my needs over my wants. i'm only me half the time, because the other half of the time, i'm too busy avoiding the inevitable. but i'm starting a new life in 1 month. i don't know if i'm ready. but i've learned that i can't fight the future. all we have is now. now it's time to be brave. it's time to move on from who i turned myself into. but these words mean nothing if i don't start now.

living is easy with eyes closed.

maybe my eyes opened when life was moving too fast for me to notice. so life's no longer easy. does that mean i can't do it? never. i can do anything.

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{no title - also originally written july 14th, 2010}

i've tried to write a blog post way too many time since my last one. i know i can't post another fun post until i clean out all the intense things i have on my mind. i'm starting an almost completely new life on august 26th, 2010. i'm heading off to loyola marymount university to study psychology and hopefully become a teacher someday. but today, my mom came in and asked me what makes me think i'm ready to start this new life. and i realized, i don't know. i don't know if i am ready. because i still don't know how to put what i need over what i want. i used to love to read, i used to love the feeling of finishing an essay, i used to wish for things i wanted. but i don't really have time to wish anymore. i'm too busy making what i want happen. but in the meantime, i'm also too busy to make what i need happen. this summer's the first time in 2 years that i've actually had time to stop and think. life took so many turns since the middle of sophomore year, that i got too behind to keep up. but i'm finally catching up to what's happening now. and i'm realizing that all the mistakes i've made can be left behind if i want. i have the chance to prove to myself that i can do what i need to do. i have that chance, and i'm worried i'm going to waste it. i don't have enough trust in myself anymore to know that i'll use the opportunity to its fullest. but i decided i'd write it down.

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{i have a new obsession - originally written july 15th, 2010}

it's called reading.

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{no title - originally written august 25th, 2010}

la cañada is officially no longer my home.

my room's packed up, but strangely not that empty.

the past 2 days have just felt like a countdown.

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{plane - originally written september 15th, 2010}

i haven't posted for like a solid 2 weeks and i apologize. however, this is all you're going to get for now:

 [photo credz].

i promise my blog isn't becoming some weird one with an abnormal number of pictures of cute animals, but this picture makes me happy. my birthday's in about 1 week by the way.

maybe someone from faraway can send me a bunny in the mail.

just kidding.

p.s.

miss you pancakes. we'll have a thanksgiving photo shoot together.

p.p.s.

i have a new system for naming my posts. i go to my itunes library and close my eyes and click somewhere random. and the title of the song becomes the title of the post.

P.P.P.S.

I FOUND THE COOLEST BECK POSTER ON EBAY FOR MY DORM.

it is currently residing in australia but i'm hoping in will be mine in a week.

please don't outbid me anyone.

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{untitled - originally written september 17th, 2010}

I think it's about time I updated my blog. I don't feel like the same person I was less than a month ago...even though I totally am the same person. College actually hasn't done too much to my character so far, to my surprise. However, it has done a lot to my personality these days.

 ________________________________________________________________

so here we are.

 now, it's october 19th, 2010 and i'm starting all over.

no more drafts hiding out in my account.

some of those were actually more personal than i'd originally expected.

but i changed nothing and left out nothing.

thanks for reading.

love always,

cecilia

p.s. i just found this online...cecilia may be spelled wrong, but otherwise, how perfect is that?

p.p.s. good luck to me dear lover kate this week with her work.
you will be perfect, kate, don't you worry.

[photo credz].

custom concern.

today was a good day. things are kind of lonely here in lc with half my friends gone, but i made the most of it nonetheless. i really should be writing in kate's yearbook right now, but i'm procrastinating because i don't feel like crying. in my lineup of good friends moving away, i'm next after kate. so when kate leaves for washington tomorrow it means i'm leaving for westchester in 4 days (not exactly as much of a journey...but still a bd). but like i said, today was a good day. i woke up at about 1pm, which is kind of how it goes these days. kind of embarrassing but i did stay up till 7am, so that could have to do with it. then i went to lunch with princemitchy at islands. probably my last islands lunch for a while, and it was lovely catching up with that boy. then i went straight to descanso gardens with jacob lucas walters. now, what you have to understand is that you're like a celebrity if you go to descanso with jacob. he has a membership and everything. HOWEVER, he has never gone to descanso gardens camp, and guess who has? that's right. cece has. so as we're walking around, i stumble upon a special spot. it was the room where the camp held its singing classes. and as we walked by, i all the sudden remembered how that was where i discovered my love for singing. in fact, i think it's where i performed my only solo so far in my life. that's also kind of embarrassing, but oh well. it's not my fault that singing alone on stage is not one of my favorite pastimes. about halfway through camp, we got to audition for solos in the songs we'd been practicing. and you know how there's always that one solo everyone wants? well, for some reason, i decided to be brave enough to try out for it. the song was called 'one song'. after much preparation, singing for my parents out by the pool, making sure i looked good for the big audition, and whatever else went down...i got the solo. i was so happy. i had really accomplished what i wanted. who even knows how it actually turned out. i don't remember anything disastrous happening, but that's not really the point of this story. the point is that, at age 9, or however many years old i was, i was brave enough to go for what i wanted. and now that i'm about almost double as old as i was then, i've done nothing but backtracked. i didn't do one solo all year long, even though i was in choir the whole time (aside from one 10 word solo in irreplaceable, which i decide to ignore since i was flat every time, and it was just embarrassing). and i'm so disappointed in myself. i know i'm not amazing, but i don't necessarily have to be amazing. i just want to prove to myself and whoever else wants to listen that i can do it well. i got into choir, after all. i just never made the effort to get past the choir. that doesn't take away from the fact that chamber was one of the most amazing experience of my life, so far. but it could've made me better as an individual. so, all i have to say is life goal: perform a solo on a stage for more than 5 people i don't know. and i've also decided i want to minor in music, i think. so, that was my biggest thought process of the day (at least that i can remember). the next biggest thought process will be saying goodbye to kate, which i'm putting off like crazy. i also got to see my honorary little bro, mr. sammy blassucci, and the roads perform at the book store. that was very enjoyable. i would post a link if i had one, but i unfortunately don't. my personal favorite moment was when they played follow the sun by the beatles, of course. it made me realize how much i want to learn to play guitar. another life goal. then i scootered down foothill with some lovely people. and now i'm sitting in my room, listening to beck...still needing to write in kate's yearbook.

 [i'm thinking it's time].

college is way too bittersweet.

p.s. you're not cool anymore unless your wrist looks like THIS:
(jk...but you really should go buy yourself some silly bands if you don't have one)

a beginning.

i realized i never put up a proper graduation post.

so i made this:

thank you for a lovely 2 years, lc & friends.
I LOVE YOU.
et je vais bientôt être libre comme un oiseau.

[trop précis]