slow motion.

i could just dance.

the other day, some mistakes were made and it led to a conversation i didn't want to have.

actually, this entire month that has seemed to be happening to me.

i keep experiencing conversations that i would have put off forever but, now that they've happened, i could literally think for years about.

if i went to jail right now, at least i would have all these thoughts to keep me company.

now, let me get to the point.

i realized that my blog has a theme after all. one time, i talked about how everyone has their gimmick.

well, i'm 18, taking the semester off school, lacking a job and living in the smallest, most conservative, town i've ever experienced.

but i have a gimmick:

contradictions.
 

my writing is a never ending novel about contradictions -

the fact that human love gives us all we can really hold on to in this world, but at the same time, can hurt people to the point of losing themselves.

the fact that i think talking about love is cheesy, and yet have to restrain myself from writing it down more than i do with any other word.

philosophy begins and ends with contradictions.
i once said human selfishness stems from the fact that we are the only constants in our life.

and i believe that that's why we, as humans, reach for a higher power.

because we need to rationalize how limitless our minds are.

i was so sure that this was the answer: there has to be a higher power that we can't rationalize, because what else could create this lack of limits in our mind?

but then,

i came to a different conclusion. the most ultimate conclusion i have ever achieved in my own life.

if everything has a contradiction, there is no truth.

truth is nothing but a conformity of the human mind.

the psyche's inability to expand enough to create limits gets rationalized by this idea of

"truth".

call me crazy, but i think that the key to being open minded is accepting the fact that everything has a contradiction.

and can't we agree on the fact that open-mindedness is a virtue more than a vice?

the obstacle is that when most people realize this, they seem to settle on "picking their own truths".

what does that even mean? how can that possibly work as a rationalization for anyone?

truth is supposed to be universal.

without "truth", our mind gets too overwhelmed to ever reach an intangible end with our ideas.

 on that note, i have absolutely no clue how to conclude this idea.

so anyway, i could just dance.

wonderful news!

IT'S A BRAND NEW YEAR. i have this new habit of announcing the words 'wonderful news' to whoever (whomever? tangent - i just looked up who versus whom on google and came up with 24,800,000 results, and yet still can't figure out how to decide when to use whom in a sentence) i'm around when something good happens. now how did this start, you ask? when i got my acceptance letter to lmu, the first words of the letter were 'wonderful news', and paige and i seemed to think this was quite amusing for some reason. i didn't actually start using the phrase till i came home for tgiving break to find my acceptance letter up on my bulletin board, and i was reminded of the wonderful news. so the other day, when my mom asked if we had rice and i found some in the cupboard and i yelled (yes, you guessed it) WONDERFUL NEWS!, it occured to me how much my life has changed this semester. i came home for christmas break only to have every person i encountered in la cañada ask me when i was going back to school, and every time, to confuse him/her/them with my answer 'not till next fall'. believe it or not, the reason why i'm taking this 2nd semester off of school is not a deep, dark secret. you are welcome to ask why and i will tell you nothing but the truth, which is this:

i am not ready for my future.

what i didn't realize when i got my acceptance letter is that starting college means the beginning of 'my future'. when i say my future, i don't want anyone to take it literally (or litrally, as the british would say). i don't mean the kind of future that comes at you whether you like it or not, because that started when i was born. i mean the kind of future that i can have control over. and i'm not willing to (for lack of a better word) half-ass it. college is the start of the rest of my life, and i am not ready for that yet. maybe i'm behind the curve, but i'd rather accept that and take a break to catch up than spend all my energy trying to catch up for the rest of my life. who knows? it may have taken that long if i hadn't done this for myself.

as for this blog, i think we all know that my second to last post was an example of me reaching an all time blogging low. i posted a picture of cats and...that's it. i considered deleting it, but that just wouldn't be right. when  i started this blog, i never really thought about my audience.
it wasn't until i heard, last year, that someone had brought my blog up to a teacher in a class i'd never been in that i realized that anyone in the world can read this. i don't necessarily have a problem with that, it's just a little restricting. although i do this completely for myself, there is no privacy here. whatever i write is available for anyone to see, and i have to be wary of that when choosing how much to reveal about myself. the biggest struggle this causes me is communicating my thoughts without sounding cliché. it's pretty clear to me that creativity makes a good blog, whether it be a gimmick, or the ability to communicate your thoughts in a unique way (the only exception is if you have a really cute baby and just post pictures of him/her - the only thing really required is a camera and some free time). i've never considered myself particularly funny, so writing stories about embarrassing moments is not my thing. and i don't have a baby either. i'm not one of those people who knows exactly what she wants and proudly has it define her. yes, i get a lot out of reading, but i'm not the girl who always has a book in her hand. yes, i love to sing, but i've never sang alone on a stage. and yes, i care about the environment, but i haven't started any going green campaigns. the point is, i'm not ahead of the game like a lot of other 18 year olds are. i have uncountable interests and plenty of ideas but i just haven't found a way to use them yet. and this brings me right back to what i'm trying to explain: i'm just not ready for my future. because i have no idea what i want it to be yet! maybe i'll end up as an english teacher in africa, or a songwriter right here in la. maybe i'll become a lawyer in seattle. or maybe i'll end up living on a boat, writing about my experiences as a hermit (doubtful, but possible). i'm not saying i expect to go back to school in september knowing exactly what i want to do with my life, but i at least want to go back with the mental ability to get to the next step. my goal is to find the motivation within myself to put everything i have into what i will choose to do when i go back to school. so there you go.

p.s. say banana in a british accent.

bubble toes.

well, i clearly have a lack of much to say lately. although i love christmas time more than normal this year, all the pictures have kind of been a cover up for a lack of ideas circulating through my mind. but in the past couple of days, it's like everything i'd been missing for the past month showed up at once and bombarded my mind. and now, i can't stop thinking to save my life. i started reading 'how to be lovely' last night (based on audrey hepburn, by melissa hellstern). i've honestly never cared too much for audrey - i couldn't even get through breakfast at tiffany's and that's about as far into her work as i've gone. but my grandma LOVED ms. hepburn. after she died and we were cleaning out her house, i literally found dozens of audrey hepburn books in her bookshelves. and they were so glamorous looking that i just had to take two. i mean, why not? and so i've finally decided to start my audrey education with 'how to be lovely'. and i must say, she did seem pretty lovely. there are countless quotes in that book talking about just how genuine of a person she was. she was respected by almost everyone she knew, and she stayed fabulous the whole time. i then realized how we all have this perpetual need to be better than we are...to be "lovely". have we ever considered the fact that we're lovely the way we are? and that our differences are what inspire each other to keep being lovely? i don't think that we're ever going to be satisfied with ourselves if we continue to try to be as lovely as audrey hepburn or as fabulous as marilyn monroe (speaking of which, i don't really understand her appeal, but i haven't read any books about her either). because guess what?

none of us are audrey or marilyn.

i think that maybe just maybe it's time to quit it with the self help books and work on becoming humble. it's hard to take a step away from yourself when you're too busy being overwhelmed with everything you're not. take note: the definition of humble is not only modest, but also respectful. and that means respectful to ourselves in loving what we are and being thankful for what we have. true appreciation is an aspect of humbleness that people forget, and a certain austin facer & jacob walters reminded me of it.

so, whatever you're doing today, whether it be studying for finals or just following the sun, don't forget to do it humbly.

thoughts of the day.

1. recently means nothing without context.

2. there's something so intriguing about jewelry boxes. i think they might just be my favorites.

 don't you just wanna investigate in there?

3. i have a new obsession with going on etsy.com and searching for whatever i'm dreaming of. christmas presents...

4. into the wild is one of the most amazing movies i have ever seen. it blew me away.

5. does living life mean living the life you want? or is it only a matter of breathing and heart rate?

6. quote of the week-

jayma mays on how she feels before she's filmed:

"i get very nervous. i eat lots of toast before."

7. i have now come just about as close as one can to being attacked by a possum without physical contact.

8. first comes self-control, then trust, and finally, self-respect.

9. tomorrow may rain.

☮

[photo credz].

cloud country.

i'm sitting in my dorm right now, listening to beck. free as a bird. my roommate asleep just feet away from me. but i feel more lonely than anything else. i feel like i haven't gotten to be myself for the past 4 days of my life, and i'm so tired. i miss who i am...i'm sick of trying to make myself likable for other people. i haven't been lying or anything. it's just that i've been hiding all the parts of me that i'm scared won't be accepted. as the wise rasheed akbarut once said...all us frehsmen college students are homeless right now. there really is nowhere that i could go right now that would feel like home. and that's a terrifying feeling. it's so lonely. everyone i love is everywhere but with me. i don't have anyone to trust in this new place yet. but, fortunately, i'm not too worried.  because i literally experienced almost all of these feelings about a year and a half ago when i switched high schools. the only difference is that back then, i could escape my feelings by staying home and avoiding school. but i can't do that here. i don't have a home quite yet. all i have is a dorm room and a lot of new people around it who will help it become my home. i know that i'll be okay. in a little while, there will be people here that i love. they're already here, actually, the love just hasn't arrived quite yet.

i think the package will come soon enough.

[goodnight for now]

♥

 p.s.

[photo credz].

paper butterflies.

hello there.

i've been trying to write a blog post for a while now, but i've had some serious writer's block. now, while i knew what the block was, what i couldn't quite figure out was how to get past it...until last night, that is. a while ago, i recognized that the things i'm too afraid to talk about have the power to misplace the things i'm ready to talk about. have you ever noticed that when there's something you're trying to hide, it's usually the most prominent thing in your mind? maybe it's just me, but i think that's a pretty common symptom. i've learned that a mind is not a very good  [cache] (word of the day). however, what a mind lacks in concealing, it makes up for in revealing (sorry for the rhyme?). one thing that i conveniently neglect sometimes is the fact that my mind belongs to no one but me. no one can take it, even if i want to give it away. and why is this convenient? because if i neglect the fact that i'm the only one in control of my mind, everything doesn't have to be my fault. but the fact is that my mind knows what's up. it's amazing how our bodies can heal themselves when we get a cut. everything happens inside ourselves to make up for the mistakes we made outside. and what i've come to believe is that our minds do the same thing, just with a few different materials and processes. i actually just googled how our bodies heal cuts. go ahead and [find out for yourself] if you want. it's pretty cool. notice how the materials needed to heal ourselves come rushing to the surface all the sudden. maybe my mind's stuck focusing on the few things that aren't okay in my life because those are the things i need to heal. last night i got mad at myself for focusing on these things when there are uncountable things that are better than okay. but that's like being mad at my platelets for plugging my blood vessel (awk, i know). maybe we need to recognize the problems in order to enjoy everything else. or at least to get rid of writer's block.

p.s. it's time for another playlist.

 ☮ love lost - the temper trap {october 23rd, club nokia}

 ☮ dare - gorillaz

 ☮ gold canary - cloud control

 ☮ uprising - muse {they have a concert at staples the day after my birthday...yes please?}

 ☮ heaven in a halfpipe - opm

 ☮ the rabbit - miike snow

 ☮ everytime i look for you - blink-182 {it's a classic}

 ☮ everyone is golden - portugal. the man {after seeing them live twice i figured i should 

 download their albums}

 ☮ angel - jack johnson

 ☮ dance forever - allstar weekend {i'm secretly a little embarrassed to love this...but let's be honest, it's amazing}

 ☮ captains of the sky - sky sailing {summer's back}

 ☮ lotus - cage the elephant

 ☮ little secrets - passion pit

 ☮ kreuzberg - bloc party

 ☮ for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti - sufjan stevens {merci, jacob}

 ☮ think i'm in love - beck

xo.

do you realize that happiness makes you cry?

"i would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

-steel magnolias

think about it. i'm pretty sure i'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful too.

also...do you realize that everyone you know someday will die? first of all, full credit to the flaming lips for this particular realization. you know what i think makes this statement so powerful? it's something that absolutely cannot be denied. no one's going to live forever. but is it going to help any of us to worry about it? the answer is absolutely NO. and i think that too many people forget about that. everything is going to end someday, so why worry about it ending when there's nothing you can do? i think a more valuable use of your time would be turning it into thirty minutes of wonderful...maybe you'll even get an extra hour out of it.

a couple weeks ago, i had a blog catch up sesh. meaning i visited all my familiar blogs, and read. and it made me so happy. who knew that other people's thoughts could do so much for myself? it's yet another method of putting things into perspective. it reminded me that i'm not the only one out there who wishes for things i can't, or maybe just don't, have. in fact, i don't think there's anyone out there who doesn't do some type of wishing. inspiring blogs are just a little reminder.

a couple of weeks ago, aside from catching up on blogs, i also listened to the remedy by jason mraz for the first time ever. i've heard it hundreds of times. but i only just then listened to it for the first time. i'm not going to analyze the song, because anyone can do that. i'm just going to suggest you [listen to it] for yourself. it has the same moral as do you realize.

yesterday was a happy day...and simply because of the little things. i'll list them for you:

my little sister asking me for advice. brightening a hobo's day. driving on the freeway without having a heart attack. eating rainbow sprinkles. drinking cherry pepsi. looking at pictures. encountering an understanding teacher. realizing that my future starts now.

and finally, [time for some spoon].

p.s. it's easier to hurt than to heal (colbie caillat), but is it worth it to hurt for that long?

and for paige & anyone else who might smile...

we're hot.

live & learn.

Rejection is such a terrible feeling. And, the worst part is that it’s everywhere. It comes in all different forms but all of them feel crappy. Something important that I’ve figured out with these seventeen years of life is that, the more you avoid rejection, the more boring your life is. And eventually, your life becomes worse than it would’ve been if you’d just suffered being rejected in the first place. In the past year, I’ve literally become almost the opposite of what I was just a year and a half ago. I used to be this little shy kid who was scared to say crap or wear a push up bra. I was literally scared of push up bras my junior year of high school...that’s just depressing. Especially since I hear the freshman girls at my school are now watching porn together so they’ll “know what to do”. Now that’s extreme and just dirty, but the point is still that I was just really immature. I was also that straight A kid who never had any problems with her parents because she was everything they’d ever wanted. I talked to boys about once a month, having gone to an all-girls school for over two years. And at least 60% of the reason my life was so miserable was because I was so afraid of rejection. Something as simple as someone not smiling back at me after I’d done so to him or her could ruin my day. I had just gotten so sensitive about everything because I was so sheltered at that school that I literally had no life. I had a couple of good friends, and I still love them, but it just was not what high school should be. So, it eventually got so bad that I switched schools. I honestly don’t know how I was brave enough to do it, because it was completely my choice, but thank God I did. I wish that I could say that I became one of those girls who’s friends with everyone and is crazy fun because she doesn’t care what anyone thinks, but I really can’t. I’m still the same person; I just think I kind of figured out how to live. Yeah, you’re going to face rejection if you put yourself out there, but you’re also going to be closer to happiness. At least that’s what I’ve discovered. If I’m my weird self and someone doesn’t like it, that’s their problem. I’ve also realized that if you truly get to know someone, you can learn to love anyone. I’ve decided to make mistakes and just…

live & learn.

every little thing.

okay, so first of all, i have no idea what i'm doing. so we'll see how this whole blog thing turns out. the thing is, i love to write, but i can only write about feelings. i hate basically any english assignment unless it's poetry, which really isn't even assigned anymore. lately, my mind just cannot stay focused on one idea for longer than 5 seconds. so some very schizophrenic posts can be expected from me. however, it's 3:44 am at the moment, and i have to be 
awake in about 4 hours.

so i must sleep.

good day sunshine.

[photo credz].