every day's a new day.

i can't sleep.

i got in bed at about 2 and turned on my ipod.

first, i listened to [this] and had a dance party in my head because i was in such a good mood. i was feeling really excited about college and happy about life. and then, somehow, i ended up listening to [this]. and about 20 seconds in, i burst into tears. people are leaving. things are ending in less than 2 months. the way i've lived for 17 years is completely changing. it's really not about starting a new life or going to college that was making me cry. i know how to do that. i just started over only a little over a year ago, so i know what's up. and i know it will be fine. but i also know that, no matter how much you love someone, a lot of the time your relationship kind of withers once your settings change. i looked through my phone contacts today and so many of them were sacred heart girls. and i realized that i probably hadn't used any of their numbers for months, if it was even that recently. and these girls all used to be my good friends. i still love them, but my setting changed, and our relationship just faded away. this is what's going to happen next year, all over again. i was crying because of the people who are going to leave me. then, i took a breath to turn on [this]. the chords in the beginning of this song somehow make me smile every time. i thought about la canada. hawaii last year. chamber retreat. kalinda. my friends' families. foothill. pcy. swinging. st. bede's. capture the flag in the sport chalet parking lot. descanso at night. fugitive. oakwood. and i eventually, i turned on [this]. typical? of course. but finally, i thought about tomorrow. just tomorrow. not the day after tomorrow. not graduation. not summer. not college. but only tomorrow. tomorrow has so much potential. if i start tomorrow happy, it'll be a good day. think about tomorrow, and tomorrow only. maybe you'll see things more clearly.

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

there's never going to be enough time. so the only thing you can do is spend as many minutes possible of yours being happy. WHY be sad? nothing can be done. so be happy. because maybe it's all going to end in august. but that means that i have the next 3 months to make the most of.

do you realize that happiness makes you cry?

"i would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

-steel magnolias

think about it. i'm pretty sure i'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful too.

also...do you realize that everyone you know someday will die? first of all, full credit to the flaming lips for this particular realization. you know what i think makes this statement so powerful? it's something that absolutely cannot be denied. no one's going to live forever. but is it going to help any of us to worry about it? the answer is absolutely NO. and i think that too many people forget about that. everything is going to end someday, so why worry about it ending when there's nothing you can do? i think a more valuable use of your time would be turning it into thirty minutes of wonderful...maybe you'll even get an extra hour out of it.

a couple weeks ago, i had a blog catch up sesh. meaning i visited all my familiar blogs, and read. and it made me so happy. who knew that other people's thoughts could do so much for myself? it's yet another method of putting things into perspective. it reminded me that i'm not the only one out there who wishes for things i can't, or maybe just don't, have. in fact, i don't think there's anyone out there who doesn't do some type of wishing. inspiring blogs are just a little reminder.

a couple of weeks ago, aside from catching up on blogs, i also listened to the remedy by jason mraz for the first time ever. i've heard it hundreds of times. but i only just then listened to it for the first time. i'm not going to analyze the song, because anyone can do that. i'm just going to suggest you [listen to it] for yourself. it has the same moral as do you realize.

yesterday was a happy day...and simply because of the little things. i'll list them for you:

my little sister asking me for advice. brightening a hobo's day. driving on the freeway without having a heart attack. eating rainbow sprinkles. drinking cherry pepsi. looking at pictures. encountering an understanding teacher. realizing that my future starts now.

and finally, [time for some spoon].

p.s. it's easier to hurt than to heal (colbie caillat), but is it worth it to hurt for that long?

and for paige & anyone else who might smile...

we're hot.

listen to the music of the moment.

i cried last night. i cried for the first time in a week and, embarrassingly enough, that’s a long time for me. there’s this thing about crying. everyone thinks it’s a sad thing, when really, crying is the best escape i can think of. when you start crying, there’s something there that’s making you feel sad or sentimental. but when you stop crying, there’s a reason there too. there’s this huge sense of relief when you finally realize that there’s no reason to cry anymore. catharsis- it’s kind of the only way i know how to clean my mind out. and, trust me, my mind needs a lot of cleaning (or more organization, i guess). sometimes, all you can do is cry. you can’t take on the world, because you have to take on yourself first (™ jack g.). the thing is, you are your world. the world doesn’t revolve around one person, right? but our lives are our own. the only thing that will, no matter what, always stay constant in your life is you. so finding oneself might as well be taking on the world. right now, the only thing i know to do is live for now. if i’m happy, i’m happy, not worried that tomorrow i’ll be sad. if there’s a goal i’m trying to accomplish, i’m working on that goal, not thinking about all the other ones i can’t be working on. when i was little, i would cry because my friend was being mean to me. now, when i cry, it’s because i’ve lost trust in the world, because i can’t understand what some of my friends are going through, because i don’t know how to control my own life. it’s never going to be simple again. but sometimes, all you can do is cry. learn who you are and learn to understand.

“i shall pass through this world but once.  any good, therefore, that i can do or any kindness that i can show to any human being let me do it now.  let me not defer or neglect it, for i shall not pass this way again.”

jerry lewis