multicoloured mirrors.

on friday, i ran into a book at knott's berry farm.

why was i at knott's, you ask?

well, i decided to spend some quality time with the girls in my beautiful family, and tag along on their adventure.

i really do miss living with the lovely mccollum ladies.

 so anyway, on our way out, we stopped by the snoopy gift store, and i happened to come across [this book].

if you click to look inside, you'll understand what it's about.

it's simply a list of all the things that charles schulz believed make up happiness.

it was so inspiring that i decided to make up my own list.

happiness is yet another one of those words which, i believe, requires the word subjective in its definition.

so here's my definition:

happiness is...

just painted red nails.

  a purring cat in your lap.

the smell of a library book.

that yearbook message with the power to make you cry.

 discovering a new favorite song.

crossing something off your to do list.

rainbow sprinkles.

a list of your future baby's names.

christmas time.

your own bed.

role models//feeling inspired.

speaking in another language.

making a child smile.

being the receiver of the words 'you really made me feel better'.

teaching someone something new.

getting goosebumps when it's not even cold.

laughing just because someone else's laugh is contagious.

knowing you are loved.

[photo credz].

p.s. i would like to send a shout out to mr. samuel hancock blasucci who i miss dearly.

i enjoy getting your <3 every day.

cloud country.

i'm sitting in my dorm right now, listening to beck. free as a bird. my roommate asleep just feet away from me. but i feel more lonely than anything else. i feel like i haven't gotten to be myself for the past 4 days of my life, and i'm so tired. i miss who i am...i'm sick of trying to make myself likable for other people. i haven't been lying or anything. it's just that i've been hiding all the parts of me that i'm scared won't be accepted. as the wise rasheed akbarut once said...all us frehsmen college students are homeless right now. there really is nowhere that i could go right now that would feel like home. and that's a terrifying feeling. it's so lonely. everyone i love is everywhere but with me. i don't have anyone to trust in this new place yet. but, fortunately, i'm not too worried.  because i literally experienced almost all of these feelings about a year and a half ago when i switched high schools. the only difference is that back then, i could escape my feelings by staying home and avoiding school. but i can't do that here. i don't have a home quite yet. all i have is a dorm room and a lot of new people around it who will help it become my home. i know that i'll be okay. in a little while, there will be people here that i love. they're already here, actually, the love just hasn't arrived quite yet.

i think the package will come soon enough.

[goodnight for now]

♥

 p.s.

[photo credz].

foux du fafa.

i wrote this post a couple days ago but my internet wasn't working enough to post it. so here you go.

there is so much stuff swirling through my mind right now. i'll just start from the beginning:

     first of all, i highlighted the word stuff only because i know that any english teacher would frown upon it. i literally just went to [synonyms.net] to see if i could find a better word. but it turns out, stuff is the only word that could even attempt to cover everything buzzing up there in my psyche. there are ideas. memories. experiences. fears. dreams. hopes. mistakes. feelings. information - new and old. correct or even incorrect. i wish that i could write everything i wanted to on my blog. but that's not something i'm even capable of doing. so much goes on in our minds that i bet we don't even remember a quarter of it at the end of the day. but at the same time, when something enters our minds is there any way for it to exit? maybe we only consciously remember a fourth of everything that goes on in our minds. i can't even begin to imagine how many thoughts i've thought in my life. and i wonder how many of them are original. but then, what is the definition of original, exactly? from one aspect, maybe nothing we ever think is original, because we begin being shaped by the things around us the moment we emerge from the womb. how can anything come from only inside ourselves when there's so much more going on outside? but at the same time, no one else in the world could've ever thought the same thought as you, at the same time, in the same way, relating it to the same experiences. it's simply impossible. so in that aspect, isn't every single thing in each and every one of our lives original?

who knows.

     my family goes to dockweiler beach every year in our trailer for 2 weeks. first of all, no, we don't live in a trailer. but we do own one instead of a condo in balboa or a house in mammoth. and you know why it's so much better? because if we had a condo in balboa, we couldn't go to montana in it, now could we? that trailer has so many memories inside of it. we were all supposed to leave for our annual vacation on wednesday, july 28th. aka two days ago. and everyone left...except for me. i wasn't quite ready. luckily, it's ony a forty minute drive away, so i have the luxury of being able to stay home an extra day to do my last minute packing and college calls. i guess that i feel like it's really all ending. this vacation's always ended the summer for my family, and this year, summer really is a true ending. side note, i've never introduced you to my lovely family.

first, there's dad. i like to call him padre. but he's known to others as steve(n craig mccollum):

then we have mother. also known as katy or mary kathleen barry mccollum:

 (i kind of look like a zombie with no eyes in this but oh well)

and then there's maddy (14 yrs., left) & ali (12 yrs., right):

so there's the fambam for you. i love them all dearly and i'm very excited to spend two weeks with them before moving out in less than a month...hmm.

     but anyway, i had a point to the dockweiler story besides the fact that i love my family. the point is that i think i'm scared to go. it has nothing to do with the trip itself. it's just what comes after. when i come back, it'll be time to say goodbye to a lot of people i love. and if there's one thing i've learned this summer, it's that i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. and i seriously mean that. they care about me way too much and i wish that i could live this close to them forever. thank you all for everything you've done for me for as long as i've known you. you are amazing people and i'm so lucky to have you in my life. but anyway, i was supposed to drive myself down this morning, but i ended up getting sick and not feeling up to the drive, so i guess i'm here for 1 more night. i have to admit i'm being a little dramatic about all this because it's not like i'm going to be completely isolated from la cañada, considering i'm going to make everyone come visit me & i'll come back for a couple events, i'm sure. but it's all just really ending and i don't know how to react...

     new thought. there's this thing about being hurt. as much as you want to stay angry, there's this new found sense of sympathy because of what you've experienced. here's a question for you: do you think you could knowingly hurt someone you love? it's something that's been on my mind for quite some time now. i want to say no, of course not. but then i thought back to all the times i've skipped out on my responsibilities, knowing that it would end up hurting my parents, but being too selfish to let myself think it through. i only use this example because my love for my parents can't be questioned. no matter what i do or they do, there's never any [love lost]. so how can i be so hypocritical that i judge someone's love for me based on 1 instance of betrayal? but at the same time...how could i not? there are (at least) two sides to everything. so how am i supposed to choose one? when is it time to forgive? no one can give me an answer to that but myself. which leads me to my next thought...

     during the last 2 days, my phone's condition has worsened so that it won't even charge anymore. in other words, i'm kind of phoneless at the moment. it's made me realize that i've surrounded myself with people all summer long. i've always held this idea that you learn the most by being around other people. because they give you things like ideas & perspectives that you can't get from yourself. i've always felt like i'm wasting time if i don't see anyone else for a while. but today, i was supposed to leave for the beach and i didn't, therefore i have no plans. my initial reaction was to call paige, but she's out of town...and then i realized that i want to spend time with myself. that sounds kinda creepy but whate'er. if anyone wants to judge me, you're welcome to do so. it's just been so nice cleaning my room without somewhere to be immediately after, and being able to go eat dinner wherever i want and getting to sit on my computer reading blogs. speaking of which, i read [johnny's blog] today, and it's actually what inspired me to write this post. so thank you, mr. wu.

   finally, i'm so scared about my shopping addiction. it's never been a good thing but it will most certainly not be a good thing in college AT ALL. so anyway, after feeding my new panera addiction, watching some pineapple express, eating some cup of noods, reading some cosmo & listening to some beck, those are my thoughts for you. i hope you all have a lovely evening. and don't forget to spend time alone sometimes...it's nice.

[DEM JEANS]

 (miss you too, paige)

xo,

 cecilia

p.s. bonne anniversaire shay!! <3
(a little late oopsies:)

too precious.

so, i've made an executive decision.

when i have a baby girl someday, my husband's going to build her a tree house.

and i'm going to decorate it so it looks like a fairy's cottage.

imagine:

cotton clouds hanging from the ceiling, twinkle lights wrapping the walls, patchwork pillows and pink & red bean bags thrown everywhere, glitter wherever it can be thrown...

but don't worry, she won't be spoiled.

by the way, her name will be summer marie (last name pending).

and i know my future husband will be ok with this because i won't marry him if he's not.

just kidding...kinda.

from maui to kauai.

every day's a new day.

i can't sleep.

i got in bed at about 2 and turned on my ipod.

first, i listened to [this] and had a dance party in my head because i was in such a good mood. i was feeling really excited about college and happy about life. and then, somehow, i ended up listening to [this]. and about 20 seconds in, i burst into tears. people are leaving. things are ending in less than 2 months. the way i've lived for 17 years is completely changing. it's really not about starting a new life or going to college that was making me cry. i know how to do that. i just started over only a little over a year ago, so i know what's up. and i know it will be fine. but i also know that, no matter how much you love someone, a lot of the time your relationship kind of withers once your settings change. i looked through my phone contacts today and so many of them were sacred heart girls. and i realized that i probably hadn't used any of their numbers for months, if it was even that recently. and these girls all used to be my good friends. i still love them, but my setting changed, and our relationship just faded away. this is what's going to happen next year, all over again. i was crying because of the people who are going to leave me. then, i took a breath to turn on [this]. the chords in the beginning of this song somehow make me smile every time. i thought about la canada. hawaii last year. chamber retreat. kalinda. my friends' families. foothill. pcy. swinging. st. bede's. capture the flag in the sport chalet parking lot. descanso at night. fugitive. oakwood. and i eventually, i turned on [this]. typical? of course. but finally, i thought about tomorrow. just tomorrow. not the day after tomorrow. not graduation. not summer. not college. but only tomorrow. tomorrow has so much potential. if i start tomorrow happy, it'll be a good day. think about tomorrow, and tomorrow only. maybe you'll see things more clearly.

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

there's never going to be enough time. so the only thing you can do is spend as many minutes possible of yours being happy. WHY be sad? nothing can be done. so be happy. because maybe it's all going to end in august. but that means that i have the next 3 months to make the most of.

you don't look a day over perfection.

today has been one of those days that gets me thinking about the future. there was so much talk about college and it's all just so complicated to think about. when i get overwhelmed, i have a few different outlets. i used to write a lot about my feelings and everything i'm going though, but that was back when i at least understood what i was going through. so now, instead of writing, i usually look back to my old writing. or, of course, there's always sleeping or watching a movie. i have this comfort in watching movies over and over. sometimes, i'll just turn on a certain part of a movie i've seen a hundred times right before i go to bed and watch for 5 minutes. i really don't understand it. but anyway, i went back and read this poem i wrote forever ago:


it has to come to an end.
     this journey, this intersection, this achievement. it could not continue forever.
it must have finally finished someday, but not now!
     i have grown through myself; through others...i have gained knowledge,
memories, friends and guidance...
     my slowly growing heart beats with a little more love - the love which friendship
has granted me.
     friendship, with its kindness, its hilarious drama, its admirability, its generosity
and originality.
     these qualities, and those to whom they belong, will linger in my heart
forever.


i have absolutely no idea what this was originally written about, but it totally reminded me of graduation. it's not exactly the best writing i've ever done, but the message is pretty clear. it's about moving on and how each step of the way shapes your heart a little. i don't even have any idea where i want to go to college anymore. i really wanted to go to byu. then i didn't get in. so then i didn't want to go to byu anymore. and now, all the sudden, my application is 'reevaluated' and i'm in. and i just don't know what to do anymore. everyone has this one specific school that they want to go to. but i just have no idea. i don't know how i'll figure it out, either. i just have to hope i'll end up where i'm meant to be.


let's hope.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22DTUqjspcQ


p.s. sorry this is like an hour and a half late. i'm trying.
<3