spray paint the vegetables.

my current loves in life:

1. options. there are so many of them, no matter where you're looking. currently, i'm looking for job options. for right now and the future. there may be a lack of jobs these days but when it comes to majors, the same problem doesn't apply. what to do?

2. discovery. my biggest obsession in life will ALWAYS be learning. but no one seems to be too excited to learn these days, since by association, the word has come to mean school to too many. we need to realize that learning is essentially discovery. when i hear discovery i think of a physical action, and this is so much more appealing to many. want to know what i discovered last week?

the white house wasn't white until the french war when half of it was burned down and it had to be whitewashed to disguise all the ash that had become a part of it.

3.  giving. i don't just mean giving food to the poor and volunteering for your church (not that that isn't always a good thing to do, of course). but giving in a simpler and more everyday sense can mean just taking less and appreciating more.

4. glee. i'm in love with puck. and finn. and sam. and dianna agron is simply beautiful. and the show is so fun. and it's a show about choir. and i can sing along to it. need i say more?

[photo credz].

5. [apostle of hustle]. i've always loved their song eazy speaks but i only recently discovered how good their national anthem of nowhere album is.

6. christmas. i'm currently wearing my $8 wal mart christmas nightgown (take note that i do not generally support shopping there, because of its [environmental issues], but i couldn't pass up this red nightgown. my apologies, mother earth), and the roomie christmas card will be coming soon. prepare yourselves.

7. [operation beautiful]. i've actually seen some of these little post its around school, and they really do make me smile.

8. ralph's brand mild salsa. enough said.

9. paige riley. thank you for being here for me, love. you must know i'm always here for JOU too!

10. tea. the perfect way to start or end your day. maybe some caffeinated green tea for the morning and some calm lavender for the night? sleepytime tea always upset my stomach.

there are many, many more but these 10 will have to suffice for today. i'm thinking of making these lists a weekly thing.

ta ta for now.

♫

cloud country.

i'm sitting in my dorm right now, listening to beck. free as a bird. my roommate asleep just feet away from me. but i feel more lonely than anything else. i feel like i haven't gotten to be myself for the past 4 days of my life, and i'm so tired. i miss who i am...i'm sick of trying to make myself likable for other people. i haven't been lying or anything. it's just that i've been hiding all the parts of me that i'm scared won't be accepted. as the wise rasheed akbarut once said...all us frehsmen college students are homeless right now. there really is nowhere that i could go right now that would feel like home. and that's a terrifying feeling. it's so lonely. everyone i love is everywhere but with me. i don't have anyone to trust in this new place yet. but, fortunately, i'm not too worried.  because i literally experienced almost all of these feelings about a year and a half ago when i switched high schools. the only difference is that back then, i could escape my feelings by staying home and avoiding school. but i can't do that here. i don't have a home quite yet. all i have is a dorm room and a lot of new people around it who will help it become my home. i know that i'll be okay. in a little while, there will be people here that i love. they're already here, actually, the love just hasn't arrived quite yet.

i think the package will come soon enough.

[goodnight for now]

♥

 p.s.

[photo credz].

farewell ride.

it's finally time.

*

i hate saying goodbye so much. who wouldn't?

you just can't feel like you get enough out of that moment when you know it's supposed to cover months in the future.

 you can't avoid feeling sad, and saying goodbye is like saying hello to your sadness.

i'm not looking forward to sitting in my room after my friends have left, thinking about all the good times we had.

 because the good times will be in the past. that's not to say they won't also be in the future, but that's all part of the unknown.

soon right now will only be memories, and that's what's scaring me.

so here's to everyone i love who's leaving me this week.

natalie (gettysburg college), claire (csun), danielle (ubc), brent (mit), paige (csuf), caroline (usc), amanda (usc), jack (ups), kate (gonzaga).

of course there are more, but honestly, this is already too many goodbyes to handle.

to all of you:

(all of the above)

[photo credz].

timebomb.

[this is ridiculously cool]

just thought i'd share.

p.s.

 true forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.

-david ridge

peaches & cream.

[rediscovered]

paper butterflies.

hello there.

i've been trying to write a blog post for a while now, but i've had some serious writer's block. now, while i knew what the block was, what i couldn't quite figure out was how to get past it...until last night, that is. a while ago, i recognized that the things i'm too afraid to talk about have the power to misplace the things i'm ready to talk about. have you ever noticed that when there's something you're trying to hide, it's usually the most prominent thing in your mind? maybe it's just me, but i think that's a pretty common symptom. i've learned that a mind is not a very good  [cache] (word of the day). however, what a mind lacks in concealing, it makes up for in revealing (sorry for the rhyme?). one thing that i conveniently neglect sometimes is the fact that my mind belongs to no one but me. no one can take it, even if i want to give it away. and why is this convenient? because if i neglect the fact that i'm the only one in control of my mind, everything doesn't have to be my fault. but the fact is that my mind knows what's up. it's amazing how our bodies can heal themselves when we get a cut. everything happens inside ourselves to make up for the mistakes we made outside. and what i've come to believe is that our minds do the same thing, just with a few different materials and processes. i actually just googled how our bodies heal cuts. go ahead and [find out for yourself] if you want. it's pretty cool. notice how the materials needed to heal ourselves come rushing to the surface all the sudden. maybe my mind's stuck focusing on the few things that aren't okay in my life because those are the things i need to heal. last night i got mad at myself for focusing on these things when there are uncountable things that are better than okay. but that's like being mad at my platelets for plugging my blood vessel (awk, i know). maybe we need to recognize the problems in order to enjoy everything else. or at least to get rid of writer's block.

p.s. it's time for another playlist.

 ☮ love lost - the temper trap {october 23rd, club nokia}

 ☮ dare - gorillaz

 ☮ gold canary - cloud control

 ☮ uprising - muse {they have a concert at staples the day after my birthday...yes please?}

 ☮ heaven in a halfpipe - opm

 ☮ the rabbit - miike snow

 ☮ everytime i look for you - blink-182 {it's a classic}

 ☮ everyone is golden - portugal. the man {after seeing them live twice i figured i should 

 download their albums}

 ☮ angel - jack johnson

 ☮ dance forever - allstar weekend {i'm secretly a little embarrassed to love this...but let's be honest, it's amazing}

 ☮ captains of the sky - sky sailing {summer's back}

 ☮ lotus - cage the elephant

 ☮ little secrets - passion pit

 ☮ kreuzberg - bloc party

 ☮ for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti - sufjan stevens {merci, jacob}

 ☮ think i'm in love - beck

xo.

sea change.

oh, life.

you change weather much too often.

i can't decide whether you're storming or shining tonight.

i guess...even when the sun goes down we still have the moon shining for us.

so how could you not be shining?

i'll just try my best to 'be like a flower, and turn my face to the sun'.

maybe we're all dandelions.

planting our seeds where we can, because that's how we make our marks.

but is the point to make our marks?

a dandelion that never gets the chance to plant her seeds is just as much of a dandelion as the one who planted all of his.

maybe the point is just to bask in the sun while you can.

or follow it, just like a dandelion seed.

{side note, i love flowers. i'm determined to someday own my own flower shop.}

p.s. i'm considering proposing to [beck]. i don't care if he's already married.

every day's a new day.

i can't sleep.

i got in bed at about 2 and turned on my ipod.

first, i listened to [this] and had a dance party in my head because i was in such a good mood. i was feeling really excited about college and happy about life. and then, somehow, i ended up listening to [this]. and about 20 seconds in, i burst into tears. people are leaving. things are ending in less than 2 months. the way i've lived for 17 years is completely changing. it's really not about starting a new life or going to college that was making me cry. i know how to do that. i just started over only a little over a year ago, so i know what's up. and i know it will be fine. but i also know that, no matter how much you love someone, a lot of the time your relationship kind of withers once your settings change. i looked through my phone contacts today and so many of them were sacred heart girls. and i realized that i probably hadn't used any of their numbers for months, if it was even that recently. and these girls all used to be my good friends. i still love them, but my setting changed, and our relationship just faded away. this is what's going to happen next year, all over again. i was crying because of the people who are going to leave me. then, i took a breath to turn on [this]. the chords in the beginning of this song somehow make me smile every time. i thought about la canada. hawaii last year. chamber retreat. kalinda. my friends' families. foothill. pcy. swinging. st. bede's. capture the flag in the sport chalet parking lot. descanso at night. fugitive. oakwood. and i eventually, i turned on [this]. typical? of course. but finally, i thought about tomorrow. just tomorrow. not the day after tomorrow. not graduation. not summer. not college. but only tomorrow. tomorrow has so much potential. if i start tomorrow happy, it'll be a good day. think about tomorrow, and tomorrow only. maybe you'll see things more clearly.

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

there's never going to be enough time. so the only thing you can do is spend as many minutes possible of yours being happy. WHY be sad? nothing can be done. so be happy. because maybe it's all going to end in august. but that means that i have the next 3 months to make the most of.

15 songs...

...that i'm obsessively listening to these days:


1. the golden age - beck


2. here (in your arms) - hellogoodbye {i know this is from forever ago...but it is still so good and i rediscovered it thanks to princemitchy}


3. lonelily - damien rice {reminds me of weddings for some reason?}


4. happy yellow bumblebee - of montreal


5. lisztomania - phoenix


6. the ghost inside - broken bells


7. better life - keith urban {i don't usually like country very much, but this song is too happy to ignore}


8. other side - josh ritter {just bought his golden age of radio album}


9. sexx laws - beck {i just have a newfound obsession with beck}


10. say hey (i love you) - michael franti & spearhead {this was in the movie valentine's day...i need it to come out on dvd now, please}


11. electric twist - a fine frenzy


12. one foot boy - mika {mika is AMAZING. end of story}


13. animal - miike snow {this is just for kate. FULL credit to her for finding this song!}


14. michelle - beatles {i needed to throw some beatles in here somewhere}


15. fader - temper trap

☮