26 May 2010

memories of a life that wasn't mine anymore.

"on the one hand it wasn't very likely. on the other, it was perfectly natural."

do me a favor and read this book. it was very mind opening, and not too lengthy. it made me realize that for the last year, maybe all i've been doing is 'seeing if there's any way out of the inevitable.' and camus answers the obvious...only temporarily. read the book and you might be able to figure out what i'm talking about. i might even start reading again.


i feel like a lot of people...[sleep to dream]

& i love meg sanborn.

13 May 2010

every day's a new day.

i can't sleep.

i got in bed at about 2 and turned on my ipod.

first, i listened to [this] and had a dance party in my head because i was in such a good mood. i was feeling really excited about college and happy about life. and then, somehow, i ended up listening to [this]. and about 20 seconds in, i burst into tears. people are leaving. things are ending in less than 2 months. the way i've lived for 17 years is completely changing. it's really not about starting a new life or going to college that was making me cry. i know how to do that. i just started over only a little over a year ago, so i know what's up. and i know it will be fine. but i also know that, no matter how much you love someone, a lot of the time your relationship kind of withers once your settings change. i looked through my phone contacts today and so many of them were sacred heart girls. and i realized that i probably hadn't used any of their numbers for months, if it was even that recently. and these girls all used to be my good friends. i still love them, but my setting changed, and our relationship just faded away. this is what's going to happen next year, all over again. i was crying because of the people who are going to leave me. then, i took a breath to turn on [this]. the chords in the beginning of this song somehow make me smile every time. i thought about la canada. hawaii last year. chamber retreat. kalinda. my friends' families. foothill. pcy. swinging. st. bede's. capture the flag in the sport chalet parking lot. descanso at night. fugitive. oakwood. and i eventually, i turned on [this]. typical? of course. but finally, i thought about tomorrow. just tomorrow. not the day after tomorrow. not graduation. not summer. not college. but only tomorrow. tomorrow has so much potential. if i start tomorrow happy, it'll be a good day. think about tomorrow, and tomorrow only. maybe you'll see things more clearly.
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
there's never going to be enough time. so the only thing you can do is spend as many minutes possible of yours being happy. WHY be sad? nothing can be done. so be happy. because maybe it's all going to end in august. but that means that i have the next 3 months to make the most of.

09 May 2010

happy mama's day.

"a mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."
{tenneva jordan}

...i know, cheesy. i found it on a website called the quote garden...hehe. however, that quote is exactly my mother. she is perfection and i couldn't ask for anyone better or more selfless. love you, madre.

don't forget to tell your mommy that you love her today.

06 May 2010

do you realize that happiness makes you cry?

"i would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

-steel magnolias

think about it. i'm pretty sure i'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful too.

also...do you realize that everyone you know someday will die? first of all, full credit to the flaming lips for this particular realization. you know what i think makes this statement so powerful? it's something that absolutely cannot be denied. no one's going to live forever. but is it going to help any of us to worry about it? the answer is absolutely NO. and i think that too many people forget about that. everything is going to end someday, so why worry about it ending when there's nothing you can do? i think a more valuable use of your time would be turning it into thirty minutes of wonderful...maybe you'll even get an extra hour out of it.

a couple weeks ago, i had a blog catch up sesh. meaning i visited all my familiar blogs, and read. and it made me so happy. who knew that other people's thoughts could do so much for myself? it's yet another method of putting things into perspective. it reminded me that i'm not the only one out there who wishes for things i can't, or maybe just don't, have. in fact, i don't think there's anyone out there who doesn't do some type of wishing. inspiring blogs are just a little reminder.

a couple of weeks ago, aside from catching up on blogs, i also listened to the remedy by jason mraz for the first time ever. i've heard it hundreds of times. but i only just then listened to it for the first time. i'm not going to analyze the song, because anyone can do that. i'm just going to suggest you [listen to it] for yourself. it has the same moral as do you realize.

yesterday was a happy day...and simply because of the little things. i'll list them for you:

my little sister asking me for advice. brightening a hobo's day. driving on the freeway without having a heart attack. eating rainbow sprinkles. drinking cherry pepsi. looking at pictures. encountering an understanding teacher. realizing that my future starts now.

and finally, [time for some spoon].

p.s. it's easier to hurt than to heal (colbie caillat), but is it worth it to hurt for that long?

and for paige & anyone else who might smile...

we're hot.

05 May 2010

jack mcfairyland.

dearest jack mcfarland,
you're inspiring. i think we should all learn to be more like you and have spontaneous dance parties in our jack purcells sometimes.
or barefoot...whatever works.
marry me? (or just be my best friend)
love always,

04 May 2010

hello from inside a shell.

here are some recent pictures from the happenings of my life:

crashing concert choir tour in san fran. spontaneously seeing wicked and my loves in san francisco?
yes please:

my dear patty (or kate) in her gonzaga sweatshirt. so proud:

daveed - time for some MORMON PROM:

hi jeff hi! true love:

my fellow blogger, jenkem:

lavender ice cream, please:

i'm just a happy yellow bumblebee. xo.

03 May 2010

sweet disposition.

today is may 3rd.
i could tell you everything that happened exactly a month ago today, but i won't, because that would just be unnecessary. all i really need to say is...who knew so much could happen in a month?

and i would like to continue a list i started last night.

having been inspired by 2 of my best friends, i would like to make an official list of things that make me happy. here we go:

☼ sunshine.
☼ music.
☼ friends.
☼ bread.
☼ learning.
☼ teaching.
☼ understanding.
☼ laughing.
☼ dr. pepper.
☼ swinging.
☼ daisies.
☼ the beach.
☼ babies.
☼ helping.
☼ red.
☼ dresses.
☼ owls.
☼ california.
☼ choir.
☼ candy.
☼ the beatles.
☼ blink.
☼ cleaning.
☼ cats.
☼ driving at night.
☼ manhattan beach.
☼ shopping.
☼ love.
☼ the future.
☼ God.
☼ full names.
☼ will & grace.
☼ nail polish.
☼ jewelry given to you by someone you love.
☼ photographs.
☼ lyrics.
☼ mr. padilla.
☼ sunshine.

sunshine was necessary to say twice, because a day with sunshine can never be completely sad.
i had to read a poem for english today, and we were supposed to write a structured essay about it. the reading and the writing wasn't hard...it was when the structure rule came in that i failed. i literally ended up writing my thoughts down. the poem was about this man waiting for something to happen in his life. and it made me mad. you can't just wait for something to happen, or nothing's ever gonna be good enough. if you need something meaningful to happen, it's gonna have to come from within yourself.

just so you all know. that's what i've discovered, at least.