24 February 2010

monster ballads.

i was inspired to finally write a new post by jenkem lucas walters (jenkem isn’t in the word dictionary…wtf? oh and i seriously need to stop swearing. it’s just never good. okay seriously, do you see how scattered my thoughts are?). he brought up a very good point about his mind being too full to think straight. then, by connecting it to his journal entries from childhood, it reminded me of how frightened i am to continue growing up. and jacob, i am not copying you, this is just vital for my thought process, but i actually decided to go look at my old journals too. the first one i found was my ‘cool girls’ book. it’s actually really cute because it asks you questions instead of just leaving you pages of blank space, which can be very intimidating to a 7 year old. this is the first full entry i filled out (the bold is what was prewritten in the book and the italics are written by my 7 year old self):

today’s date feb 15, monday
today i was feeling: cute, silly, happy, stupid, playful, fabulous, hip, geeky, dazed.
i was feeling kind of: happy.
i looked: silly.
my hair was: ugly.
it was great when: i got this book.
school was: not today
my wish for today: is that mommy coms home tonit
today i had: fun
on a scale from 1-10 my day was: 6
one more thing about today: i dont know

okay, so i would just like to comment on a couple things. number one, i am confused by the fact that it was monday and yet, i claimed school was ‘not today’. i also don’t understand how i didn’t know how to spell comes and tonight…i was seven, not five. but whatever, that’s not the point at all. the point is how simple my mind was. my biggest wish that i could think of was for my mommy to come home from her 3-day trip to boston (this was probably day 1). the highlight of my day was getting my cool girls diary…and i didn’t think that was sad at all. and how on earth could i not think of ONE more interesting think about my day that day? but, at the time, none of these things mattered to me. what was most important was that my daddy would play ‘the chasing game’ with me when we got home. i didn’t even take into account that i probably had no plans for the rest of the week, that there were hundreds of kids dying from aids in africa, that the boy i liked could’ve talked to another girl at recess that day. adults always say to appreciate your innocence while you have it. but, honestly, if you’re so busy appreciating your innocence, how will you get the chance to enjoy it? that’s such stupid advice. i so miss being able to swim in the pool for hours pretending to be a mermaid, messing up my room and not having to clean it up ten minutes (tops) later. the list just goes on and on and i’m not trying to feel sorry for myself, i’m just putting my thoughts down on paper…or computer screen, i guess. i just hate how quickly innocence is taken from you. but back to my original thought…i’m so scared to get older. if it’s already this hard, how will i survive another day? every experience just brings more clutter for my mind, and it is nowhere near as easy to organize as my room. and now i’ve lost my train of thought so, to conclude, i will fill out a current cool girls diary entry: (fyi, the ‘today i was feeling’ and ‘today i had’ sections have a bunch of words that you circle, so i’m not awkwardly coming up with these on my own)

today’s date february 24th, 2010, wednesday.
today i was feeling: happy, stupid, dazed, jealous, smart, frustrated.
i was feeling kind of: confused.
i looked: like a mom, according to jeff. tight.
my hair was: awkwardly too straight.
it was great when: i got to drive alone for a while.
school was: fine, but it would’ve been better if i’d actually showed up to p.e.
my wish for today: that my dad would come home.
i couldn’t believe it when: i actually wrote a page & a half long blog post.
i cried when: i thought about everything.
today i had: fun, a crush, a special event, a tummy ache, a surprise, a good day.
on a scale from 1-10 my day was: 8
one more thing about today: i honestly wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my friends. i love you.

p.s. josh ritter at his finest:

16 February 2010

live & learn.

Rejection is such a terrible feeling. And, the worst part is that it’s everywhere. It comes in all different forms but all of them feel crappy. Something important that I’ve figured out with these seventeen years of life is that, the more you avoid rejection, the more boring your life is. And eventually, your life becomes worse than it would’ve been if you’d just suffered being rejected in the first place. In the past year, I’ve literally become almost the opposite of what I was just a year and a half ago. I used to be this little shy kid who was scared to say crap or wear a push up bra. I was literally scared of push up bras my junior year of high school...that’s just depressing. Especially since I hear the freshman girls at my school are now watching porn together so they’ll “know what to do”. Now that’s extreme and just dirty, but the point is still that I was just really immature. I was also that straight A kid who never had any problems with her parents because she was everything they’d ever wanted. I talked to boys about once a month, having gone to an all-girls school for over two years. And at least 60% of the reason my life was so miserable was because I was so afraid of rejection. Something as simple as someone not smiling back at me after I’d done so to him or her could ruin my day. I had just gotten so sensitive about everything because I was so sheltered at that school that I literally had no life. I had a couple of good friends, and I still love them, but it just was not what high school should be. So, it eventually got so bad that I switched schools. I honestly don’t know how I was brave enough to do it, because it was completely my choice, but thank God I did. I wish that I could say that I became one of those girls who’s friends with everyone and is crazy fun because she doesn’t care what anyone thinks, but I really can’t. I’m still the same person; I just think I kind of figured out how to live. Yeah, you’re going to face rejection if you put yourself out there, but you’re also going to be closer to happiness. At least that’s what I’ve discovered. If I’m my weird self and someone doesn’t like it, that’s their problem. I’ve also realized that if you truly get to know someone, you can learn to love anyone. I’ve decided to make mistakes and just…
live & learn.

14 February 2010

every little thing.

okay, so first of all, i have no idea what i'm doing. so we'll see how this whole blog thing turns out. the thing is, i love to write, but i can only write about feelings. i hate basically any english assignment unless it's poetry, which really isn't even assigned anymore. lately, my mind just cannot stay focused on one idea for longer than 5 seconds. so some very schizophrenic posts can be expected from me. however, it's 3:44 am at the moment, and i have to be 
awake in about 4 hours.

so i must sleep.
good day sunshine.