29 August 2010

cloud country.

i'm sitting in my dorm right now, listening to beck. free as a bird. my roommate asleep just feet away from me. but i feel more lonely than anything else. i feel like i haven't gotten to be myself for the past 4 days of my life, and i'm so tired. i miss who i am...i'm sick of trying to make myself likable for other people. i haven't been lying or anything. it's just that i've been hiding all the parts of me that i'm scared won't be accepted. as the wise rasheed akbarut once said...all us frehsmen college students are homeless right now. there really is nowhere that i could go right now that would feel like home. and that's a terrifying feeling. it's so lonely. everyone i love is everywhere but with me. i don't have anyone to trust in this new place yet. but, fortunately, i'm not too worried.  because i literally experienced almost all of these feelings about a year and a half ago when i switched high schools. the only difference is that back then, i could escape my feelings by staying home and avoiding school. but i can't do that here. i don't have a home quite yet. all i have is a dorm room and a lot of new people around it who will help it become my home. i know that i'll be okay. in a little while, there will be people here that i love. they're already here, actually, the love just hasn't arrived quite yet.
i think the package will come soon enough.


21 August 2010

custom concern.

today was a good day. things are kind of lonely here in lc with half my friends gone, but i made the most of it nonetheless. i really should be writing in kate's yearbook right now, but i'm procrastinating because i don't feel like crying. in my lineup of good friends moving away, i'm next after kate. so when kate leaves for washington tomorrow it means i'm leaving for westchester in 4 days (not exactly as much of a journey...but still a bd). but like i said, today was a good day. i woke up at about 1pm, which is kind of how it goes these days. kind of embarrassing but i did stay up till 7am, so that could have to do with it. then i went to lunch with princemitchy at islands. probably my last islands lunch for a while, and it was lovely catching up with that boy. then i went straight to descanso gardens with jacob lucas walters. now, what you have to understand is that you're like a celebrity if you go to descanso with jacob. he has a membership and everything. HOWEVER, he has never gone to descanso gardens camp, and guess who has? that's right. cece has. so as we're walking around, i stumble upon a special spot. it was the room where the camp held its singing classes. and as we walked by, i all the sudden remembered how that was where i discovered my love for singing. in fact, i think it's where i performed my only solo so far in my life. that's also kind of embarrassing, but oh well. it's not my fault that singing alone on stage is not one of my favorite pastimes. about halfway through camp, we got to audition for solos in the songs we'd been practicing. and you know how there's always that one solo everyone wants? well, for some reason, i decided to be brave enough to try out for it. the song was called 'one song'. after much preparation, singing for my parents out by the pool, making sure i looked good for the big audition, and whatever else went down...i got the solo. i was so happy. i had really accomplished what i wanted. who even knows how it actually turned out. i don't remember anything disastrous happening, but that's not really the point of this story. the point is that, at age 9, or however many years old i was, i was brave enough to go for what i wanted. and now that i'm about almost double as old as i was then, i've done nothing but backtracked. i didn't do one solo all year long, even though i was in choir the whole time (aside from one 10 word solo in irreplaceable, which i decide to ignore since i was flat every time, and it was just embarrassing). and i'm so disappointed in myself. i know i'm not amazing, but i don't necessarily have to be amazing. i just want to prove to myself and whoever else wants to listen that i can do it well. i got into choir, after all. i just never made the effort to get past the choir. that doesn't take away from the fact that chamber was one of the most amazing experience of my life, so far. but it could've made me better as an individual. so, all i have to say is life goal: perform a solo on a stage for more than 5 people i don't know. and i've also decided i want to minor in music, i think. so, that was my biggest thought process of the day (at least that i can remember). the next biggest thought process will be saying goodbye to kate, which i'm putting off like crazy. i also got to see my honorary little bro, mr. sammy blassucci, and the roads perform at the book store. that was very enjoyable. i would post a link if i had one, but i unfortunately don't. my personal favorite moment was when they played follow the sun by the beatles, of course. it made me realize how much i want to learn to play guitar. another life goal. then i scootered down foothill with some lovely people. and now i'm sitting in my room, listening to beck...still needing to write in kate's yearbook.

college is way too bittersweet.

p.s. you're not cool anymore unless your wrist looks like THIS:
(jk...but you really should go buy yourself some silly bands if you don't have one)

16 August 2010

farewell ride.

it's finally time.

i hate saying goodbye so much. who wouldn't?
you just can't feel like you get enough out of that moment when you know it's supposed to cover months in the future.
 you can't avoid feeling sad, and saying goodbye is like saying hello to your sadness.
i'm not looking forward to sitting in my room after my friends have left, thinking about all the good times we had.
 because the good times will be in the past. that's not to say they won't also be in the future, but that's all part of the unknown.

soon right now will only be memories, and that's what's scaring me.
so here's to everyone i love who's leaving me this week.
natalie (gettysburg college), claire (csun), danielle (ubc), brent (mit), paige (csuf), caroline (usc), amanda (usc), jack (ups), kate (gonzaga).
of course there are more, but honestly, this is already too many goodbyes to handle.

to all of you:

(all of the above)

13 August 2010

look into your heart.

11 August 2010


just thought i'd share.

 true forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.
-david ridge

03 August 2010

foux du fafa.

i wrote this post a couple days ago but my internet wasn't working enough to post it. so here you go.

there is so much stuff swirling through my mind right now. i'll just start from the beginning:

     first of all, i highlighted the word stuff only because i know that any english teacher would frown upon it. i literally just went to [synonyms.net] to see if i could find a better word. but it turns out, stuff is the only word that could even attempt to cover everything buzzing up there in my psyche. there are ideas. memories. experiences. fears. dreams. hopes. mistakes. feelings. information - new and old. correct or even incorrect. i wish that i could write everything i wanted to on my blog. but that's not something i'm even capable of doing. so much goes on in our minds that i bet we don't even remember a quarter of it at the end of the day. but at the same time, when something enters our minds is there any way for it to exit? maybe we only consciously remember a fourth of everything that goes on in our minds. i can't even begin to imagine how many thoughts i've thought in my life. and i wonder how many of them are original. but then, what is the definition of original, exactly? from one aspect, maybe nothing we ever think is original, because we begin being shaped by the things around us the moment we emerge from the womb. how can anything come from only inside ourselves when there's so much more going on outside? but at the same time, no one else in the world could've ever thought the same thought as you, at the same time, in the same way, relating it to the same experiences. it's simply impossible. so in that aspect, isn't every single thing in each and every one of our lives original?
who knows.
     my family goes to dockweiler beach every year in our trailer for 2 weeks. first of all, no, we don't live in a trailer. but we do own one instead of a condo in balboa or a house in mammoth. and you know why it's so much better? because if we had a condo in balboa, we couldn't go to montana in it, now could we? that trailer has so many memories inside of it. we were all supposed to leave for our annual vacation on wednesday, july 28th. aka two days ago. and everyone left...except for me. i wasn't quite ready. luckily, it's ony a forty minute drive away, so i have the luxury of being able to stay home an extra day to do my last minute packing and college calls. i guess that i feel like it's really all ending. this vacation's always ended the summer for my family, and this year, summer really is a true ending. side note, i've never introduced you to my lovely family.

first, there's dad. i like to call him padre. but he's known to others as steve(n craig mccollum):

then we have mother. also known as katy or mary kathleen barry mccollum:

 (i kind of look like a zombie with no eyes in this but oh well)

and then there's maddy (14 yrs., left) & ali (12 yrs., right):

so there's the fambam for you. i love them all dearly and i'm very excited to spend two weeks with them before moving out in less than a month...hmm.

     but anyway, i had a point to the dockweiler story besides the fact that i love my family. the point is that i think i'm scared to go. it has nothing to do with the trip itself. it's just what comes after. when i come back, it'll be time to say goodbye to a lot of people i love. and if there's one thing i've learned this summer, it's that i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. and i seriously mean that. they care about me way too much and i wish that i could live this close to them forever. thank you all for everything you've done for me for as long as i've known you. you are amazing people and i'm so lucky to have you in my life. but anyway, i was supposed to drive myself down this morning, but i ended up getting sick and not feeling up to the drive, so i guess i'm here for 1 more night. i have to admit i'm being a little dramatic about all this because it's not like i'm going to be completely isolated from la cañada, considering i'm going to make everyone come visit me & i'll come back for a couple events, i'm sure. but it's all just really ending and i don't know how to react...

     new thought. there's this thing about being hurt. as much as you want to stay angry, there's this new found sense of sympathy because of what you've experienced. here's a question for you: do you think you could knowingly hurt someone you love? it's something that's been on my mind for quite some time now. i want to say no, of course not. but then i thought back to all the times i've skipped out on my responsibilities, knowing that it would end up hurting my parents, but being too selfish to let myself think it through. i only use this example because my love for my parents can't be questioned. no matter what i do or they do, there's never any [love lost]. so how can i be so hypocritical that i judge someone's love for me based on 1 instance of betrayal? but at the same time...how could i not? there are (at least) two sides to everything. so how am i supposed to choose one? when is it time to forgive? no one can give me an answer to that but myself. which leads me to my next thought...

     during the last 2 days, my phone's condition has worsened so that it won't even charge anymore. in other words, i'm kind of phoneless at the moment. it's made me realize that i've surrounded myself with people all summer long. i've always held this idea that you learn the most by being around other people. because they give you things like ideas & perspectives that you can't get from yourself. i've always felt like i'm wasting time if i don't see anyone else for a while. but today, i was supposed to leave for the beach and i didn't, therefore i have no plans. my initial reaction was to call paige, but she's out of town...and then i realized that i want to spend time with myself. that sounds kinda creepy but whate'er. if anyone wants to judge me, you're welcome to do so. it's just been so nice cleaning my room without somewhere to be immediately after, and being able to go eat dinner wherever i want and getting to sit on my computer reading blogs. speaking of which, i read [johnny's blog] today, and it's actually what inspired me to write this post. so thank you, mr. wu.

   finally, i'm so scared about my shopping addiction. it's never been a good thing but it will most certainly not be a good thing in college AT ALL. so anyway, after feeding my new panera addiction, watching some pineapple express, eating some cup of noods, reading some cosmo & listening to some beck, those are my thoughts for you. i hope you all have a lovely evening. and don't forget to spend time alone sometimes...it's nice.


 (miss you too, paige)


p.s. bonne anniversaire shay!! <3
(a little late oopsies:)