rippled reflections.

well since according to the sneaky narwhal, a total of 7 people read my blog,

(and what a shame, i thought it was 8)

i've decided it's not too risky to post this.

i've been feeling inspired by camus for the past couple of days, and this is my own version of catharsis right now.

so here are today's thoughts, in more of an essay-esque format than usual:

the desire for purpose in human life is either the life or death of a soul. in these exact terms, it is revealed that human existence is never as is. never just one thing: there are always two sides. but, in itself, this prediction provides a predicament. for if no one statement goes unopposed, how may one ever present an opinion and fully believe in its truth? this is where the virtue of belief takes precedence in our world. faith, in itself, provides humanity with the catalyst behind motivation. the downfall of the human race was stated by christopher mccandless: “happiness [is] only real when shared”. with the complication in simplicity alexander supertramp emanates, our contradictions fall back into place. love: the most publicized of human emotions, whose vices are so often overlooked in response to its successes. a basic guideline for human existence thus shows itself: prosperity and downfall are achieved in response to the same virtues. then begs the question of whether both ends are possible through these identical merits. while one does not get the privilege to discover the answer to this inquiry until he reaches his own end, he constantly gains the knowledge of reason on the way towards his answer. and then comes our next downfall stated again by mccandless: “if we admit that life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed”. our only savior is deterioration in lieu of downfall. all we can hope for is a natural end before our declension reaches an end of its own.

just some words.

[photo credz].

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[photo credz].

happy tuesday!

a distrustful disposition.

i literally just started reading the fall, and only got to page 4 before i had a thought i just had to write down.

the novel starts in a bar, with what feels like almost a stream of consciousness type of writing.

but not exactly, because the character is talking, not just thinking.

he goes off on the disposition of the bar's host, and how his lack of ability to communicate with so many of his customers has created a distrust for the world in him.

with almost a page and a half of reflecting on the character of the host, the speaker proceeds to say:

"mind you, i am not judging him."

because i got this book from the library, there's already some writing in it and the word judging is highlighted and above it, it says:

ironic (he is)

if i hadn't had this copy of this book i may not have paused to think about that sentence.

words very similar to those come out of my mouth more times than i can guess at.

i will start with an observation about someone i do not know, and proceed to make connections which lead to assumptions. not necessarily bad or good; just assumptions.

but this is always the question that comes to mind:

are assumptions bad simply because they are assumptions?

or can they be a good exercise for my mind in wariness and making connections?

maybe the key is to not let those presumptions turn into beliefs.

maybe suppositions can help shape our mind while beliefs become a part of it.

so anyway, thank you lawrence, for bringing me a thought i might not have had if you hadn't taken the time to write yours down.

(he wrote his name in the front of the book)
which reminds me, i recently stumbled upon [this website], and i think it's so cool.

have a lovely rest of your saturday!

xo.

(and i would like to announce that i am now attempting to be a vegetarian thanks to 'food inc.' wonderful)

mirrorage.

"paul said to peter you got to rock yourself a little harder;

pretend the dove from above is a dragon and your feet are on fire."

-josh ritter

p.s. i have almost officially decided upon a music major.

most likely vocal performance!

oh, and:

HELLO COACHELLA '11.

a tad late and a pinch early.

happiest of birthdays to my JANUARY family members!

{steve mccollum - the best dad ever}

&

{maddy mccollum - best sister ever...tied with ali}

 

love you both so so much

xoxoxoxo.

alright tight.

happy birthday to dearest jeff facer!

 
it's always an honor to call you my future husband, my long distance phone companion, my friendly lover & simply my favorite.

love you!

ladies of the world.

i just finished 'classy' by derek blasberg and i must say, although a little shallow, (okay, a lot) i actually did learn a thing or two.

i recommend it for a fun read that doesn't require your full attention but counts as more than a magazine article.

so thank you, mr. blasberg.

but you never really cleared up my only real question when starting this book...are you gay or are you just a straight man who prides himself on his knowledge of women's fashion?

i would enjoy a sequal that addresses my question.

xo. 

 [photo credz].

ketchup.

sorry i never followed through on my christmas playlist promise.

being totally honest, it mostly consisted of hilary duff and the cheetah girls.

don't judge.

so i'll do a new year playlist instead.
here you go loves:

❄ blackbird - the beatles {why not start with a classic? possibly my favorite beatles}

❄ white winter hymnal - fleet foxes

❄ odessa - caribou
❄ i feel better - hot chip

❄ am/fm sound - matt & kim {i'm in love with the entire album but this was my original favorite}

❄ society - eddie vedder

❄ days like this - van morrison

❄ butterfly - mason jennings

❄ faberge falls for shuggie - of montreal {please be at coachella}

❄ earthquake weather - beck

❄ kiss with a fist - florence + the machine {voice idol}

"music is a world within itself."

-stevie wonder

sorry i'm crazy blogging at the moment. there's just too much to catch up on. in other news, i think this christmas was the best one i've had since i was a kid. it was simply splendid:

  (my new red keds...plus my christmas nightgown up top)

i also got my very own library card today and rented the fall by camus. i also have to finish martin eden, and read into the wild, a brief history of time & the grand design. then reread to kill a mockingbird and a tree grows in brooklyn (mama's favorites). and that's just the beginning. there's quite a bit of reading to do. good thing i have my own library card!

seeing these long lost faces was LOVELY:

 

oh, and i'm now obsessed with jolly ranchers, bracelets & peacocks.

oh, and this:

...yes please.

 [photo credz].

wonderful news!

IT'S A BRAND NEW YEAR. i have this new habit of announcing the words 'wonderful news' to whoever (whomever? tangent - i just looked up who versus whom on google and came up with 24,800,000 results, and yet still can't figure out how to decide when to use whom in a sentence) i'm around when something good happens. now how did this start, you ask? when i got my acceptance letter to lmu, the first words of the letter were 'wonderful news', and paige and i seemed to think this was quite amusing for some reason. i didn't actually start using the phrase till i came home for tgiving break to find my acceptance letter up on my bulletin board, and i was reminded of the wonderful news. so the other day, when my mom asked if we had rice and i found some in the cupboard and i yelled (yes, you guessed it) WONDERFUL NEWS!, it occured to me how much my life has changed this semester. i came home for christmas break only to have every person i encountered in la cañada ask me when i was going back to school, and every time, to confuse him/her/them with my answer 'not till next fall'. believe it or not, the reason why i'm taking this 2nd semester off of school is not a deep, dark secret. you are welcome to ask why and i will tell you nothing but the truth, which is this:

i am not ready for my future.

what i didn't realize when i got my acceptance letter is that starting college means the beginning of 'my future'. when i say my future, i don't want anyone to take it literally (or litrally, as the british would say). i don't mean the kind of future that comes at you whether you like it or not, because that started when i was born. i mean the kind of future that i can have control over. and i'm not willing to (for lack of a better word) half-ass it. college is the start of the rest of my life, and i am not ready for that yet. maybe i'm behind the curve, but i'd rather accept that and take a break to catch up than spend all my energy trying to catch up for the rest of my life. who knows? it may have taken that long if i hadn't done this for myself.

as for this blog, i think we all know that my second to last post was an example of me reaching an all time blogging low. i posted a picture of cats and...that's it. i considered deleting it, but that just wouldn't be right. when  i started this blog, i never really thought about my audience.
it wasn't until i heard, last year, that someone had brought my blog up to a teacher in a class i'd never been in that i realized that anyone in the world can read this. i don't necessarily have a problem with that, it's just a little restricting. although i do this completely for myself, there is no privacy here. whatever i write is available for anyone to see, and i have to be wary of that when choosing how much to reveal about myself. the biggest struggle this causes me is communicating my thoughts without sounding cliché. it's pretty clear to me that creativity makes a good blog, whether it be a gimmick, or the ability to communicate your thoughts in a unique way (the only exception is if you have a really cute baby and just post pictures of him/her - the only thing really required is a camera and some free time). i've never considered myself particularly funny, so writing stories about embarrassing moments is not my thing. and i don't have a baby either. i'm not one of those people who knows exactly what she wants and proudly has it define her. yes, i get a lot out of reading, but i'm not the girl who always has a book in her hand. yes, i love to sing, but i've never sang alone on a stage. and yes, i care about the environment, but i haven't started any going green campaigns. the point is, i'm not ahead of the game like a lot of other 18 year olds are. i have uncountable interests and plenty of ideas but i just haven't found a way to use them yet. and this brings me right back to what i'm trying to explain: i'm just not ready for my future. because i have no idea what i want it to be yet! maybe i'll end up as an english teacher in africa, or a songwriter right here in la. maybe i'll become a lawyer in seattle. or maybe i'll end up living on a boat, writing about my experiences as a hermit (doubtful, but possible). i'm not saying i expect to go back to school in september knowing exactly what i want to do with my life, but i at least want to go back with the mental ability to get to the next step. my goal is to find the motivation within myself to put everything i have into what i will choose to do when i go back to school. so there you go.

p.s. say banana in a british accent.

such is the passage of time.

 may we please just discuss how amazing the movie into the wild is?
i watched it for the first time about a month ago and have not been able to stop thinking about it since.

it was one of the most inspiring films i have ever seen.

when i was trying to pick a movie at the video store, i realized how hit and miss movies these days are.

the money and technology put into cinematography is insane.

not that that can't be amazing to look at, (tron, anyone?) but it really helps you appreciate the beauty in simplicity.

which is really what i got out of into the wild.

whether or not we're truly getting more intelligent (that's all up to opinion), humans are definitely becoming more knowledgeable about the world every day.

chris mccandless had the will to remove himself from everything that that knowledge has created.

he must have gained the most amazing kind of intelligence that none of us could even understand.

the human mind never stops working - it has the ability to work in different ways under different circumstances.
i am currently sitting on a chair in my bedroom looking out the window at the view from my balcony.
(it's too cold to sit outside)
the fact that the mountains and trees around me seem simple in comparison to downtown la is crazy.
because they're the farthest thing from simple.
in a way, everything we've created is an attempt at simplicity.
but i don't have the energy to write about that right now.
till next time.

 

[photo credz].