10 January 2011

wonderful news!

IT'S A BRAND NEW YEAR. i have this new habit of announcing the words 'wonderful news' to whoever (whomever? tangent - i just looked up who versus whom on google and came up with 24,800,000 results, and yet still can't figure out how to decide when to use whom in a sentence) i'm around when something good happens. now how did this start, you ask? when i got my acceptance letter to lmu, the first words of the letter were 'wonderful news', and paige and i seemed to think this was quite amusing for some reason. i didn't actually start using the phrase till i came home for tgiving break to find my acceptance letter up on my bulletin board, and i was reminded of the wonderful news. so the other day, when my mom asked if we had rice and i found some in the cupboard and i yelled (yes, you guessed it) WONDERFUL NEWS!, it occured to me how much my life has changed this semester. i came home for christmas break only to have every person i encountered in la cañada ask me when i was going back to school, and every time, to confuse him/her/them with my answer 'not till next fall'. believe it or not, the reason why i'm taking this 2nd semester off of school is not a deep, dark secret. you are welcome to ask why and i will tell you nothing but the truth, which is this:
i am not ready for my future.
what i didn't realize when i got my acceptance letter is that starting college means the beginning of 'my future'. when i say my future, i don't want anyone to take it literally (or litrally, as the british would say). i don't mean the kind of future that comes at you whether you like it or not, because that started when i was born. i mean the kind of future that i can have control over. and i'm not willing to (for lack of a better word) half-ass it. college is the start of the rest of my life, and i am not ready for that yet. maybe i'm behind the curve, but i'd rather accept that and take a break to catch up than spend all my energy trying to catch up for the rest of my life. who knows? it may have taken that long if i hadn't done this for myself.

as for this blog, i think we all know that my second to last post was an example of me reaching an all time blogging low. i posted a picture of cats and...that's it. i considered deleting it, but that just wouldn't be right. when  i started this blog, i never really thought about my audience.
it wasn't until i heard, last year, that someone had brought my blog up to a teacher in a class i'd never been in that i realized that anyone in the world can read this. i don't necessarily have a problem with that, it's just a little restricting. although i do this completely for myself, there is no privacy here. whatever i write is available for anyone to see, and i have to be wary of that when choosing how much to reveal about myself. the biggest struggle this causes me is communicating my thoughts without sounding cliché. it's pretty clear to me that creativity makes a good blog, whether it be a gimmick, or the ability to communicate your thoughts in a unique way (the only exception is if you have a really cute baby and just post pictures of him/her - the only thing really required is a camera and some free time). i've never considered myself particularly funny, so writing stories about embarrassing moments is not my thing. and i don't have a baby either. i'm not one of those people who knows exactly what she wants and proudly has it define her. yes, i get a lot out of reading, but i'm not the girl who always has a book in her hand. yes, i love to sing, but i've never sang alone on a stage. and yes, i care about the environment, but i haven't started any going green campaigns. the point is, i'm not ahead of the game like a lot of other 18 year olds are. i have uncountable interests and plenty of ideas but i just haven't found a way to use them yet. and this brings me right back to what i'm trying to explain: i'm just not ready for my future. because i have no idea what i want it to be yet! maybe i'll end up as an english teacher in africa, or a songwriter right here in la. maybe i'll become a lawyer in seattle. or maybe i'll end up living on a boat, writing about my experiences as a hermit (doubtful, but possible). i'm not saying i expect to go back to school in september knowing exactly what i want to do with my life, but i at least want to go back with the mental ability to get to the next step. my goal is to find the motivation within myself to put everything i have into what i will choose to do when i go back to school. so there you go.

p.s. say banana in a british accent.

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