20 December 2011

settle down.

"i tend to have an affinity towards things once familiar, now altered. when antiques see new incarnations, whether they become more modern, dark, slightly twisted….it is more than novel, at least for me. it’s my inner ballerina fighting with the want to not be a complete priss. i mean, i guess life isn’t just pink tutus and slicked backed buns?"
-dianna agron

i think i've found my kindred spirit. there's something about miss agron that's interested me from the start. when i came across her [website] i found out why. it's like she takes words from my mind and eloquently documents them for the world.
it goes right along with the ongoing list of contradictions that is life: wanting to be two different people.

 sometimes i find myself gravitating towards that hot pink pencil skirt, but other times it's the men's nightmare before christmas shirt. sometimes i'm dancing to my justin bieber singing toothbrush, but other times i'm refusing to pay $12 to go see yet another twilight...but you get the point. having gone to an all girls school, i'm not a huge fan of females, and i find this aversion to estrogen manifesting itself in my life when my few girl friends are out of town and i have to go shopping alone because all of my other friends are boys. i've asked one too many boys for outfit advice.
so, in comparison to all the males around me, i always end up feeling ridiculously girly. after all, i am the only one in a dress. but i must not be too prissy, or i'd never get along with them to begin with, right?

but i've also recently been immersing myself into 'the real world'.
you know, that one outside of la cañada?
i've found myself unsettled because i'm completely insecure about how i see myself in comparison to the rest of the world.
one day, i'm happy to be that girl who likes daisies and drives a red jetta.
but other days, i resent it, and gravitate more toward the darker parts of myself.
some days, i'm proud of the hardships i've faced and conquered, but other days, i wish i could hide them forever.

the conclusion i've come to is that i just need to settle down and accept that it's okay to tuck that jack skellington shirt into my skirt.
but more importantly, that outfit doesn't have to encompass my entire personality.
i'd hope i have more than just two angles.

it's hard to feel unique in this great big world. there are millions and billions of people out there who have this same battle with themselves every day. when i began to come into myself in high school and really think about things, i was always relieved to hear that i wasn't alone in whatever new thought i had on a given day. that's how best friends are formed.
but now, i have this nagging desire to be unique.
and it seems like it gets harder and harder every day.
but shouldn't it be the opposite when i'm the only one in the whole wide world who's seen everything i've seen, done everything i've done, and thought everything i've thought?
and then i realize that that cliché version of myself that i'm seeing is nothing but an image.
whether i'm the only one who stumbles across this image of cece from time to time, or it's countless people...
that's something that's completely out of my control.
my best advice for everyone is to remember that other people's actions are only reactions.
just as they have the power to control them, you have the power to control your own.

now go enjoy the last 11 days of 2011, lovebugs.

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